whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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