I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
