I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
