My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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