He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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