I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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