On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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