At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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