It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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