I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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