How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize