I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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