my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
