Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I met the friendliest cop last night
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
