My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
