Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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