I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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