You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
