How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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