i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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