I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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