I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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