maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
