your parents love me but you hate me
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
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