I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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