I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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