So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize