I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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