the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I want to be your penis for a week.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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