oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
