One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
