What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
