hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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