got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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