I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think a kid would responsible me up
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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