I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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