just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize