Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
