when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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