But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
