can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
