I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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