Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Your mouth is God's brothel.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
