The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize