did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I can't turn off my feet"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
