i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Randomize
