grandma shit on top of the toilet
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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