Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
