you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
the raccoons are back...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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