i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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