My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
