Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
